


Through the Eyes of a Girl

by emr_0725



Series: Say Yes [2]
Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Movies), To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Love, New Year's Eve, New Year's Resolutions, New Years, New York City, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emr_0725/pseuds/emr_0725
Summary: These chapters are a series of vignettes, snapshots into the next five New Years in LJ and PK's "Say Yes" universe relationship.  Reading "Say Yes" will help understand the context of this fic.
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky & Lara Jean Song-Covey
Series: Say Yes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2059698
Comments: 68
Kudos: 122





	1. Year 3 Part II - 'Tis the damn season

**Author's Note:**

> These vignettes are not posted in chronological order, but they are labeled according to the year (i.e., Year 1 is the first New Year's they spend together).

**Year 3 Part II**

Lara Jean is heading straight to The Skylark from the airport.She thought she’d have more time to spare, but her meeting ran late in Boston and she had to catch a later flight.She has been working nonstop for the past two weeks and is looking forward to some down time. 

Her Uber makes good time, and she runs into the bathroom to fix her hair and touch up her make up.She changed hurriedly in a bathroom at the airport, and she takes a moment to smooth out her dress.She decided on a nude dress that has a draped back, skimming her figure and hits above the knee.Her shoes are high, her lips are red, and she’s ready for a fun night.

She gets up to the deck and goes immediately over to Amber and gives her a huge hug.

“Hey gorgeous,” says Amber, grinning.“Is this how you look after a flight?Unfair.”

“Oh please.… I forgot deodorant so beware. This place is unbelievable. Perfect night for the party.”There are patio heaters placed all around so you can’t feel the chill.The night sky is clear, and there is that hum of excitement that Lara Jean feels every time she goes out at night in New York.

“Want a drink?”

“Sure.Can’t have a dry New Year’s Eve engagement party!”

“Yeah, hey listen…” Amber lowers her voice, but Lara Jean doesn’t get a chance to hear what she says. Joe makes his way over and gives her a hug.“Long time no see! Now that you have book deal, you can’t make time for us?”

“Oh give me a break! That’s generous that you are calling the pittance I’m getting a book deal.All I want to do is hang out with you guys.I’ve been at book signings out in Boston for the past few days.By next week I should have more time.”

Lara Jean’s attention shifts when she sees Peter enter the space with his confident sexy gait, tall and handsome in a suit that fits him perfectly.And he is laughing and smiling and only has eyes for the leggy blonde who he has his arm around.

Amber makes her way back over to her.

“Sorry, LJ.I was just about to tell you that he made it into town early unexpectedly.”

“Don’t worry about it.We’re fine.…We’re, uh friends.Amber, you look beautiful and this party is perfect.Don’t give another thought to me.I’m going to have a great time.I already am!” Lara Jean holds up her drink, grinning.

She walks to the bar for a glass of water, and she feels Peter’s eyes on her now, but she’s determined not to meet them.Thankfully a man approaches her, a little older, handsome, and starts conversation.She tries to pay attention, but all she can think about is Peter.Is he so detached from her now that he’s forgotten about how important this day was for them?Why would he bring someone on this day of all days? _Because he’s already over you.He’s moved on._ She takes a deep breath and smiles, nodding at this man, when she sees Peter approach.

“Hey Covey,” he says, smiling warmly at her, his eyes sweeping her body. 

“Hey,” she says, fixing her eyes on his shoulder, willing herself to not react to his gaze.

“Hi, I’m Evan,” the man says, holding out his hand.

“Oh I’m sorry, this is Peter.An old friend of mine,” she says, choosing not to look at Peter’s reaction to the introduction.

While they shake hands, Evan takes a long look at Lara Jean.“I’m going to catch up with some friends, but Lara Jean, I’ll be sure to find you later.Just in case, though, here’s my card.” 

She smiles as she takes it. 

“God that guy is so thirsty,” Peter grumbles. 

She chuckles.“So who are you here with?”

“Huh?Oh that’s Paige.”

“She’s really pretty.You look happy,” she says.And then more gently, “You know, I’m glad you found someone.I want you to be happy.” It’s true.No matter what, she wants him to be happy, the happiest possible, even if it’s not with her.

He stays quiet.

She smiles at him, wanting to let him know that she’s okay.“I’ll see you later, okay?I’m going to make the rounds.Maid of honor duties call.”She turns to walk away and he says softly, “Don’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“Peter, you know I never say goodbye,” she jokes, regretting it instantly.She was trying to be self-deprecating and funny, but it falls flat.

His face turns stony.“Then just do what you’re good at - just leave.”There’s an unmistakeable edge to his voice.

She winces at his words and hot tears spring into her eyes as she walks away. She doesn’t look at him for the rest of the night, ignoring his gaze, wanting to concentrate on having the best time she can for Amber and Joe.

When the countdown starts she tries to find her way to an inconspicuous corner, but Evan approaches her again, his eyes kind and hopeful.“Hey, you aren’t leaving, are you?Before you do, I just have to tell you that I’m a huge fan of your work.I don’t want to sound like a crazy stalker but I’ve read all of your articles and god, you are so stunning.I can’t let this opportunity pass me by.Can I take you to coffee or dinner sometime?Can I call you?” 

_1!_ _Happy New Year!_ The crowd cheers.

He seems so benign, so safe, and she’s so broken and lonely that she impulsively reaches up and brushes her lips against his cheek, making his sweet blue eyes widen as he brings one hand to his cheek.“Happy New Year, Evan.I’d love that.” 

And she makes her way out of the party, leaving two men staring after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post all chapters before NYE.
> 
> ______________________________
> 
> Thank you readers! I love hearing from you!
> 
> _______________________________
> 
> Title of fic is from "Say Yes" by Elliott Smith.  
> Title of chapter is from "Tis the Damn Season" by Taylor Swift.


	2. Year 1 - The morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the morning after the last scene in "Say Yes" (Part 1 of this series), the first New Years that PK/LJ celebrate together in this universe. Reading “Say Yes” or the last chapter in that fic will give context to this chapter.

**Year 1**

It’s almost noon when Lara Jean wakes up to a huge racket in the kitchen.She pads out of the bedroom in Peter’s button-down and her furry slippers.The kitchen is a big mess, garlic peels and green onions scattered everywhere and something savory is bubbling on the stove.Peter is washing dishes at the sink.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

He turns around and smiles at her.“It’s that Korean New Year’s soup.I tried to order it but nowhere was open so I got the recipe online.I don’t know how to pronounce it, but I’ll show you the name.I have it on my phone.”

“You’re making it?”

“Yeah,” he says, then he looks uncertain.“Only if you want it.”

She smiles widely, her eyes filling up.“Of course I want it. Thank you.”

He grins.“Okay you just sit there and look pretty while I finish up.And then you can bow to me..… You said that’s what they do to show respect for their elders on New Year’s.You know I’m your elder, right?”He winks at her.

“Um never going to happen.”

“Come on, stay in my shirt and bow to me, on the floor, on your hands and knees.”He knows he’s toeing the line with her, but he can’t help it.

She smirks.“Hmmm… Why don’t we make our own tradition and you can get on your hands and knees in front of me?I’ll keep the shirt on and you can be naked.”

He looks at her wide-eyed.“Covey, you are so filthy.”

She smiles, smug.“You know you’d like it.”

“Stop messing with me.I’m going to fuck up the soup.”

She chuckles. “Why do you keep starting with me Peter?Just concentrate on cooking my food.Go get one of my aprons on.I’m getting hungry.You can bow to me after you feed me.” 

His jaw drops.He pulls her over and starts tickling her, making her squeal.“You are out of control with your swagger today.Can you control yourself?I need to get this soup off the stove.”She nods, gasping for breath and falling into a chair. 

She smiles as he mutters at the recipe on his phone and frantically pulls ingredients together, splashing broth all over the stove and counter. His hair is so crazy and his brow is furrowed, concentrating so hard.She feels so lucky and loved right now and she wishes this moment could last forever.

“Okay, here it is,” he says, bringing two steaming bowls to the table.His eyes are searching hers, looking so hopeful and earnest that she feels a twinge of guilt, that he would be invested in her to go through all this effort.

“Oh my god, Peter, this looks like the real thing!” she exclaims and then grins at his proud happy face.She takes a spoonful, blows on it and carefully brings it to his mouth.She beams as he opens his mouth expectantly, leaning forward.

“Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, Covey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you readers! Love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> _____________________
> 
> Title of chapter is from "Say Yes" by Elliott Smith.


	3. Year 2 - I'll do anything for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the second New Years in the PK/LJ relationship in the "Say Yes" universe. Reading "Say Yes" or the last chapter in that fic will give context to this chapter.
> 
> _____________________________
> 
> Some PK/LJ dreaminess.

**Year 2**

“God, Lara Jean, I love you,” Peter murmurs close to her ear as he moves into her, holding her against the wall.It’s been more than a year, but he still can’t stop looking at her when she’s this close, when he’s inside of her.Her lids heavy, face flushed, lips swollen and her hair wild.“I love you,” she breathes, making him shudder as she traces a path up his neck with her lips.She loosens her grip on his shoulders, knowing he’ll keep her afloat, letting herself get lost in his warmth and his movements.She’s shaking, getting close.“Peter,” she whimpers, as his thrusts become more erratic.She comes first and he’s right behind her, holding her tight to him, sweating from the exertion. 

“Covey, you have to stop manhandling me,” he says, kissing her as he gently sets her down, pulling up his boxers and sweats and handing her his t-shirt.“I have work to do.”

“Excuse me?I was reading and you came and mauled me,” she says, smiling, dimples out.He kisses each dimple, grinning.  
  
“And why were you wearing _that_?” He points to her lace bralette and panties, discarded on the floor.

“Because - ”

“Oh SHIT!The duk gook!” He hurries into the kitchen.He’s excited because this year he planned ahead and spoke to a woman at the Korean grocery store in Midtown about the New Years games and bought them.And as a surprise, he invited Kitty and her new girlfriend over to play games and celebrate with them.They’re due to arrive in a couple of hours and he wants the soup to be perfect. 

“Peter, you are so obsessed with this soup!You’ve been working on the broth for days,” Lara Jean laughs.“You know I’d love it even without all the frills.”

He smiles at her.“I know.”

“This day means so much to me…. I know we got together before, but I don’t know, last New Year’s Eve and Day just made me fall in love with you more,” she’s shy now, not meeting his eyes.

“Me too,” he says, bringing her chin up and looking down at her tenderly.“We can always start the new year off remembering that.”He’s never going to forget that moment Lara Jean said that she loved him.

She puts her arms around his neck, relishing the warmth of his skin.Could there be anything better than starting the new year like this?Having her Peter here, in all of his dreamy Peter-ness,making love to her, cooking her Korean New Year’s soup (shirtless!), filling her heart with his sweet words and gestures, making her body sing with his touch and his mouth. She kisses him on his chest, and gives him a knowing smile when she feels him sigh and put his hands on her lower back.

“Covey, you need to stop right now, or else I’m going to take you to bed again and burn this soup.Don’t smile at me like that.”

She lets go of him and he gets back to cooking and she sits down, looking at the two peonies he surprised her with yesterday.How he found them in winter she doesn’t know…She touches them, the buds still tightly closed and then touches the circle of gold on her neck, now holding two specks of green. 

She pushes down that anxiety, that fear, that’s been percolating ever since she applied for that Radcliffe fellowship and smiles brightly at Peter.

He looks at her, seeing right through her, and says in a terrible Boston accent, “Next year we’ll probably be in Baaaahstin, right Covey?”

She bursts out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading and commenting! I love hearing from you.
> 
> And Happy Happy Holidays!!!  
> ____________________________
> 
> Title of fic from "For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" by Sufjan Stevens


	4. Year 3 Part I - I wish I had a river

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angst of Year 3.  
> _______________________
> 
> “Covey, I’m not going to risk fucking up our relationship because of a year of law school!” He’s blows out a frustrated breath. “God, it’s always been like this with us, since before we even got together. Why do I always feel like I want it more than you? I’m more sure about you than anything… Why does it seem that you’re okay with the possibility that we’re not going to to make it?”

**Year 3 Part I**

Peter is a little buzzed, giving her looks from across the bar, suggestive looks, like _let’s get out of here right now Covey_ looks, and Lara Jean is happy to oblige.The movers are coming tomorrow and Peter mentioned earlier that he had plans for their last night at her apartment before she moves in with him for what's left of the summer.She smiles back at him, and he puts down his beer and comes striding up to her with a big sexy grin stretched on his face.“So can we go?” He asks, voice low in her ear, making her feel warm all over.“Yeah, let’s just say bye to everyone.”

After they make their way out, Peter throws his arm around her and pulls her close.“Just think Covey.Pretty soon we’ll be finding our way around Boston.This won’t be our home anymore.”She thinks she hears a note of wistfulness in his tone.

“Peter, I really think you should think about staying here,” she says gently.“You love it here.And I do too.”

“I’ve made my decision,” he says, grinning and poking her, trying to lighten the mood.“This is my master plan for you to eventually become my wicked smaht sugar mommy.” 

She tries to smile and then sighs.“You still have time to change your mind.Nothing is finalized.” 

He stops walking and looks at her.“Are you having second thoughts about us?”

“About us?No!” 

“There’s a part of me that feels like you have one foot out the door lately.”

“What?”

“You’ve been so quiet and I can tell you’re all in your head and thinking that this is not going to work.So you’re just getting ready for it.You’re detaching.I can feel it.You’re already pulling away.” His voice cracks. “Part of that is not moving together.”

“Peter, please don’t think that.I just don’t want you to give up everything you worked so hard for.”

“I want to be with you.I don’t give a shit about anything else.”

“Come on, I want to be with you, too.Of course I do.But you can have both.”

“Covey, I’m not going to risk fucking up our relationship because of a year of law school!”He’s blows out a frustrated breath.“God, it’s always been like this with us, since before we even got together.Why do I always feel like I want it more than you?I’m more sure about you than anything… Why does it seem that you’re okay with the possibility that we’re not going to make it?”

She flinches and tries to collect herself, and then says, in her most loving voice, “Peter, I love you, and I’ll miss you like crazy, but I want you to have everything.”

“You’re already going down some path in your head, not talking about what you’re really thinking about or trying not to think about. You’re trying to avoid the real issue, that you’re pulling away because you want to make it easier on yourself if this doesn’t work out.If I’m not there, it will be easier for you.”

“That’s crazy!That’s not what I’m doing,” she says, pulling his arm close to her and lacing her fingers through his hand.But just like that, the words planted a seed.Is there a part of her that’s doing that - trying to avoid a painful goodbye later?He knows her so well, better than anybody.Is there an element of truth to this?

And she doesn’t say what she knows would destroy him - that she _has_ accepted the possibility that it might not work out with Peter - not because she doesn’t love him, but because there are no guarantees.She doesn’t even know who she’ll be in a few years. What are the chances that she’ll be someone that the future Peter will still want?And while she envies Peter’s ability to jump all in with her, she can also see the young deserted boy in his zealousness, this unwillingness to let go at any cost.Is it really her that he wants or is he more committed to the idea of forever?

He stays quiet for the rest of the walk.When they arrive at her apartment building, he says quietly, “I think I’m just going to go home tonight.”

Her heart drops.She can’t remember the last night they’ve spent apart. “Peter, come on.”She looks at him with pleading eyes full of tears and pulls him toward her.

Even more quietly he says, “I can’t do this if you go without me.” Her stomach clenches so violently that she thinks she’s going to get sick.

He stuff his hands in his pockets and brushes his lips against hers and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?”

* * *

As soon as Peter opens his eyes the next morning, he texts Lara Jean that he’s on his way. He picks up two coffees and bagels and walks quickly over to her apartment.The movers have already arrived and are loading up the truck.He runs up the stairs to her almost-empty apartment, but she’s not there.

He calls her and it goes straight to voicemail.Then he texts, a bitter lump forming in the back of his throat.

Peter: Hey, I’m here.Where are you?

He texts and tries to call countless times as he waits around for her, trying to dismiss the acute panic that is rising in his chest.He sits on the front steps of the building long after the movers leave, blinking furiously and leaning forward with his hands pressed against his forehead, the panic now replaced by an unbearable sadness and a sharp ache in his gut.

It’s dark out when he’s startled by the buzzing of his phone.

He glances at it and throws it into the middle of the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had a great holiday!!!! Thank you for continuing to read and comment! I love hearing from you.  
> _____________________________
> 
> Title of chapter is from "River" by Joni Mitchell.


	5. Year 4 - That's my man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Year 4.  
> __________
> 
> His tone gets harsher and his eyes are cold as he says, “I’m not capable of doing the shit you do.”
> 
> She flinches. “You know what? I know this is all my fault. I don’t blame you for hating me. You should be angry at me. I’m so sorry for everything.” Big tears roll down her face. She sees him clench his fists and she knows he’s fighting the impulse to wipe the tears from her face. Even in this moment, he’s still Peter.
> 
> “God, I fucking wish I could hate you,” he says in a choked voice, puts his jacket over her shoulders and goes inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to writer/reader Ragged_Tiger for inspiring the idea for this chapter with her comment on "Say Yes." ♥️  
> ________________________
> 
> Thank you readers for reading this angsty fic and your amazing comments! You really inspire me with your insights. I love hearing your thoughts.  
> _________________________
> 
> Chapter title is from "Willow" by Taylor Swift.

**Year 4**

It’s the gloomiest New Year’s Eve that Lara Jean can remember. It’s been snowing all week and now the snow is melting into slushy and gross piles.The city doesn’t look magical or dreamy anymore even though the Christmas decorations are still up.Everything looks dirty and foul.The air is a damp biting cold and no one walking outside makes eye contact, keeping their chins tucked into their coats and scarves, rushing on the ugly sidewalks, trying to avoid getting splashed.But Lara Jean still loves every minute of it - being in the best city on New Year’s Eve, preparing for an evening with Peter.

She hurries into her apartment holding a reusable grocery bag that’s overflowing with goodies and quickly opens the front door of the building and runs up the stairs.She can’t wait to get inside her warm apartment.

She walks into her cramped kitchen, washes her hands, puts on an apron, rolls up her sleeves and gets to work.As she takes out the flour, measuring cups and mixing bowls, her mind wanders to that conversation at Amber and Joe’s wedding that she replays over and over again.She remembers actively fighting that magnetic pull she always feels around Peter that night - avoiding his eyes, staying as far away as possible, ignoring her quickening pulse. But of course, he found her when she was alone getting some air out on the patio.

_“Hey.” He’s quiet._

_“Peter, I’m sorry,” she blurts out._

_He waits a beat.“For what?”_

_“For everything.For leaving like that.For being such a mess.”_

_“Can you look at me when you talk to me?God, it’s not like we haven’t been in touch.You act like I’m a stranger whenever we see each other.”_

_She looks up at him.His eyes are intense and serious.She wants to look away, but she forces herself to meet his eyeline._

_“It’s hard for me to look at you because I feel so bad.”_

_“Oh really? So bad that you just find another guy?” he spits out._

_“What?I didn’t….”_

_“At their engagement party, you just let that guy hit on you in front of me and kissed him at the fucking countdown and now you bring him to this wedding?”_

_“I didn’t think you’d even notice.”_

_“That’s such bullshit!When am I not looking at you?”_

_“You seemed like you moved on.You seemed so happy.”Her voice breaks._

_“Oh yeah, you were happy for me.That’s what you said.” He’s bitter.She feels bottomed out when she hears his acrid tone.She’s shivering now in the hot summer air, crossing her arms and bracing herself._

_“Peter I am happy for you if you’re happy.You deserve everything good.”She’s gentle. “I wouldn’t have brought him here if I thought you’d care.”_

_He sighs.“If you could just talk to me for a minute instead of staying wrapped up in your head and avoiding me, you would know that Paige is happily married and gay.She used to be in mock trial with me and we just happened to be coming to the party at the same time.”_

_His tone gets harsher and his eyes are cold as he says, “I’m not capable of doing the shit you do.”_

_She flinches.“You know what? I know this is all my fault.I don’t blame you for hating me.You should be angry at me.I’m so sorry for everything.”Big tears roll down her face.She sees him clench his fists and she knows he’s fighting the impulse to wipe the tears from her face.Even in this moment, he’s still Peter._

_“God, I fucking wish I could hate you,” he says in a choked voice, puts his jacket over her shoulders and goes inside._

That night, after crying in fetal position until her eyes were almost swollen shut and getting sad pathetic drunk by herself (the worst type of drunk - when she ran out of red wine she went to town on nasty cheap premixed bottled margaritas), she became determined to make him hers again.She was convinced, almost certain, that he still loved her a little, or at the very least, could love her again. _He gave her his coat! He was jealous!_ _Paige is gay!_

And it’s been a five-month, uphill torturous path full of long, painful conversations, lots of tears from the both of them, countless apologies from her, and tons of work on herself, facing things about herself that she never knew existed but now realizes are an impediment to her happiness, but she will not give up.Peter has not made things easy for her but she has hope that he will give in eventually.The warmth has slowly crept back into his eyes and he has never once refused to see her, not even the morning after the wedding when she called him.She winces at the memory, she must have sounded completely unhinged, sobbing and begging him to meet her for a talk.She takes a breath, calming herself.She doesn’t have time to navel gaze today.She has to stay focused on making Peter happy.She’s going to make this day memorable even if they’re not technically together, even if she feels a deep ache in her heart every time Peter talks about being just friends.

She tries to think positively.She reminds herself that she’s made some progress. Just last week, he bumped shoulders with her when she giggled after he dropped his bagel on the ground in the midst of taking a huge bite. And the corners of his mouth have been twitching more often as he tries to hold back his beautiful goofy grin whenever they see each other. And last month he started calling her Covey again.She doesn’t think she imagined him inhaling deeply when her hair brushed by his face on the subway.She’s pretty sure she’s seen him reach out to hold her hand before drawing it back quickly and bringing his arm to his side.She’s almost certain that she’s caught him looking at her with that heated gaze that hits her so hard that she becomes dizzy. And most importantly, he didn’t balk at her suggesting that she drop by today, on New Year’s Eve, of all days.Instead he readily agreed, telling her that they could eat dinner at his place.

She dresses with care, wearing what she’ll know he’ll like, a new soft clingy cropped sweater that shows her collarbone and that will reveal a bit of her back and abdomen if she stretches her arms just so, and jeans that nip at her waist, keeping her hair loose and long and remembering to wear special lingerie just in case, always hoping that this will be the day he’ll back down on his resolve to keep her at arms length.And as she always does, she pins her precious circle of gold inside her bra, the closest she can get to her heart, hoping against hope that she’ll earn the right to wear it again around her neck, frequently caressed and nuzzled by her Peter.

She’s exhausted from the months of effort, and if she hears Peter mention being friends one more time she might scream from frustration, but she knows that she just has to keep trying and apologizing and proving that she loves him and she’ll never leave again. 

Three hours later she packs up everything, writes “Peter Kavinsky” in her prettiest cursive on a thick card stock tag, making the dot above the ‘i’ into a little snowflake, trying to ignore the painful pang that she feels when she realizes just a couple of years ago she would have made it into a heart, and orders an Uber and sends a quick text: I’m on my way.

He’s waiting on the front steps and when she gets out of the car, her heart flutters when she sees tall, handsome, dreamboat Peter, looking so very yummy with his messy curls and broad shoulders in his winter coat and long legs in jeans.She smiles widely at him, and as expected, he tries to keep his lips pressed into a stoic line, but she sees the sweet curve pull at the corners of his full lips.

“Hi.”

“Hey, let me take that.”He hurries to take the bag and little insulated cooler from her, brushing her hand with his in the process, making her a little wobbly from the contact. They walk up the stairs to his apartment, and she’s already going crazy from being so close to him that she takes a couple of deep yoga breaths to steady herself.

“What’s in here?It’s heavy,” he says from the kitchen.

“It’s a surprise,” she says.“You can open it later.Can you put the cooler in the fridge?"

“Yeah, sure.Want something to drink?”

“Yes please.”He comes into the room with a glass of red wine as she settles on the armchair.He sits on the floor, stretching out his long legs, facing her.

“So, Covey, what’s the plan for tonight?”He has a gleam in his eye.He’s being playful now and she loves it.

“You tell me.”

“Dinner and Netflix?And maybe we can break open your bag for dessert?” 

“Maybe.We’ll just have to see where the night leads us, won’t we?” She grins at him. 

She’s warm now after a few sips of the wine.She unzips her coat and shrugs it off when she notices him staring and she gets a huge rush of satisfaction from the familiar look in his eyes - the heated, lusty look that makes her blush because of all the dirty thoughts that go through her mind.God, she just wants to feel his body on hers so much - she misses his warmth, his mix of taking control and tenderness.She can’t control the corner of her mouth that turns up but she quickly looks at her lap so he won’t see.

“Don’t be smug because I think you’re hot.”

“I’m not smug.”She looks innocently at him.

“I can think you’re hot and still just want to be friends.”

“I know.”She’s trying not to smile.“I can think you’re hot and still grovel for your forgiveness.”

He’s full out grinning at her now, the beautiful, goofy grin that she loves so much, and she can see the corners of his dreamy eyes crinkle.“Oh yeah?So when’s the groveling going to start?”

“Come on!I’ve been groveling for months!” Oh, she’s _loving_ how he’s teasing her. 

“Hmmm…I haven’t noticed.” 

“You can’t be serious.I’ve been baking for you every week, asking you to do things that you like and I hate and complimenting you all the time.I even went running with you in the cold and went to that gross craft beer tasting that night and I let you choose all the movies and shows we watch!I even watch sports with you!And I’ve drank more green juice in the last few months than I have in my entire life!”She’s pouting now, feeling a tingle up her spine when he looks at her lips.

He’s leans forward, still grinning.“That’s what friends do, Covey.It’s going to take such a long time for me to forgive you… It might never happen.So the groveling may have to continue for a year,years even.”

She chuckles softly and looks into his warm gorgeous eyes.He’s close enough that if she bends down and reaches out, she’ll be able to touch his face and run her hands through his curls.She can smell his aftershave and it’s making her lightheaded, making her want to do something crazy.She digs her nails into the sofa cushion to fight the impulse and tries to fix her eyes on the bookshelf behind him, but…. what does she have to lose?

Restraint be damned! 

Before she can overthink it, she moves down to the floor and launches herself on him. She straddles him, watching his eyes widen with surprise.Her heart is thumping so loudly in her ear that she can’t hear anything else.She’s so afraid of rejection - in fact, she doesn’t think she’ll survive rejection, but she forces the fear way down and puts her hands in his hair and brings his face to hers, feeling triumphant when he immediately puts his hands under her sweater to press onto her lower back and opens his mouth, meeting her with the same heated urgency she’s feeling.She kisses him until she can’t breathe, loving how familiar he feels, his hot sighs into her mouth, his impossibly warm skin, his tongue gliding over hers, and his gorgeous eyes almost closed but still looking at her the whole time.His hands are moving up and down her back, pressing her so close to his body that she thinks she can feel his pulse.He’s breathing hard as he moves his lips to her neck, nipping her a little and making her gasp.

She brings her hand down to touch him but he grasps her wrist tightly and brings it back up.“Lara Jean, we’re friends,” he says in his husky voice, nuzzling the neckline of her sweater and looking up at her, his eyes contradicting his words.She nods slowly, but her lips quirk up a little.He huffs against her, still rubbing his cheek on her sweater. “I’m serious Covey.”“Okay…. we’re…friends…best…friends..” she says as gives wet kisses to the hand holding her wrist and brings his thumb into her mouth.He groans and lets go of her wrist, and pulls off her sweater.He sighs and then curses when he sees her lace bra, and pulls the cups down and licks her breasts and sucks on her nipples as she whimpers.“I just want to be- aaahhhh… _fuck_ ….” He stops talking as pushes her hips down and against him.“I’ll do whatever you want……..” she pants, starting to feel more desperate as she moves against him, feeling his hands on her backside.“Look at me,” he murmurs.She meets his eyes, half opened but still so intense. “Peter I need you inside of me,” she whispers. He grips her and turns her over.He pulls down her jeans quickly and then shoves down his jeans and puts a condom on.“Covey….you make me so crazy.…”He moves into her with a groan. “ _You feel so good_ ……”“Don’t stop, please” she begs, wrapping her legs around his hips.“ _God, Lara Jean_ ”She knows he’s keeping his weight off of her, but she wants it all.She grips his back as tight as she can and pulls him to her with all the strength she has, savoring his weight against her and as they come, it’s intense and everything she remembers, but as he stills inside her and she realizes it’s over, the mood shifts and she cries silent tears, feeling such a painful stab of regret, hating that he’s not hers anymore.

He stays inside her for a long time, breathing heavily against her.When he finally pulls out, she feels so empty and sad, but she’s determined to not ruin the moment.She tries to fix a smile on her face but when she meets his eyes and sees they are big and red and sad, she loses all control and starts to weep, sitting up and pulling her knees into her chest, feeling so naked and vulnerable and most of all, hating herself for breaking Peter’s heart and losing him. 

“Peter, I love you and I want you.I keep trying every day to show you how much.I can’t tell you how sorry I am.I hate myself for how much I hurt you.You’re all I want and I’d do anything for you to give me another chance.Do you think you can?”

He pulls her to his chest and strokes her back.“Yes,” hoarse and muffled in her hair.


	6. Year 5 - Say Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fifth New Year in the "Say Yes" universe.  
> ______________________________
> 
> He’s spending another New Year’s with his gorgeous, brilliant girl, who loves him so deeply and drives him wild with want. His thoughts wander to all of the New Years past and he loves all of the memories - full of good food, laughter, filthy lovemaking, and even the tears and sadness that ultimately brought them closer together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Mel_200618 and all the other commenters who were curious about Year 4 details. I had a lot of fun dreaming up what that night and next day would involve (too much fun, it almost became another fic in my mind), and I included some of the details in this chapter. 
> 
> _____________________________
> 
> Chapter title from "Say Yes" by Elliot Smith.

**Year 5**

It’s snowing, making everything look clean and beautiful outside, and Lara Jean and Peter are snuggling, her feet on Peter’s lap, on the sofa in her apartmentThe radiator is clanking, there is condensation on her living room windows, and the oven is broken, but she is happy.She’swith her Peter on New Year’s Eve, her Peter who got all the ingredients delivered and has been laboring over the duk gook broth for days, brought her five peonies (“we still spent the night together so the third year counts, Covey, even if you did kiss that asshole”), and gave her an epic kiss under the mistletoe in Virginia, giving another piece of green for her beloved locket.

“What are you thinking about?” Peter asks as he rubs her feet.

“I’m just thinking about all of our New Years,” she says, fiddling with her precious locket, secure around her neck.“Which one is your favorite?”

“It’s hard for me to choose.Definitely not the one when I was an “old friend of yours” andyou were making out with that fucker.” Peter gives her a pointed look, and she pouts at him and looks away.God, he’ll never let her live that down!“Probably the first or last year’s.”

“Really? Last year?That’s surprising to me.”Last year was so special, but it was also so _much_ \- so many tearfulconversations, talking until their voices were rough and throats sore.But there were the incomparable moments that she’ll always keep in her heart, moments in which she became absolutely certain that Peter could still love and trust her in his pure, unfiltered way, like when his eyes reddened when he saw she made gnocchi for dinner and became so quiet and obedient, his gaze heated, warm hands steady on her waist when she climbed into his lap and fed him panna cotta for dessert.And how, right before midnight, he suddenly kissed her so long and hard that she almost melted into a Peter-crazed puddle on the floor before he ripped off two tiny pieces of the tag she had written his name on and put it in the locket (“that’s for two missed mistletoes Covey. I’ll show you what would happen for three in the bedroom later.”).

“Well you did jump my bones. I’ll always remember how desperate you were for me and my next level loving.” He grins.

She bursts out laughing.“Hmmm… I’m not going to deny that I was hoping that night or any night during those long months would end that way, but I don’t recall you putting up much of a fight, or any, for that matter.”

He smirks.“Well, you wanted it so bad. I felt sorry for you….I couldn’t deny you the pleasure of - ”

She throws a little pillow at him, and he easily catches it and smiles, blithe and smug, placing it behind his head and leaning back on it.“Come on Covey, just admit it.Your plan that night was to stuff me with baked goods and gnocchi and have your way with me.”

“Basically, yes.But every day during those months was like that. I was hoping for that all the time.”She’s sad thinking about all those days they were apart. 

And of course he notices, and says playfully, “I miss those days.”

“ _What?_ ”

“You were so nice to me.I miss being wooed,” he says, pulling her leg up and giving her a warm kiss on her ankle, making her sigh, a familiar thrill traveling up her body and making her warm all over.

“I’m still nice to you,” she says, a little breathless now.

“You are? How nice?” His voice is husky, his hands are pushing up her leggings and he’s nuzzling her calf and kissing up her leg.“Because I think I’m nicer.” 

“You are…pretty…nice,” she murmurs as Peter moves over her with his solid strong body, his warmth and sexiness, his dreamy eyes full of love and want.

_____________________________________

Lara Jean is sleeping in, the soup’s on the stove, and Kitty’s coming over later to play games with them.Peter is feeling such an intense happiness that he can barely contain his goofy grin while he cleans up the kitchen.

He’s spending another New Year’s with his gorgeous, brilliant girl, who loves him so deeply and drives him wild with want.His thoughts wander to all of the New Years past and he loves all of the memories - full of good food, laughter, filthy lovemaking, and even the tears and sadness that ultimately brought them closer together.And he thinks of the future, because it’s just going to get better and more everything - he can’t wait for it all.And although he won’t do it right now because he knows better, and he’s doing his own work to fight this impulse, the impulse to have to say forever right now, he’s going to marry her and he’s going to give her everything she wants and just fucking fly. 

He turns when he hears her pad out in her slippers, watches her walk out in his shirt, bare beautiful legs, hair tousled, full lips swollen from all of their loving, and she looks up at him through her lashes, hitting him so hard in the gut.

“Peter?” Soft and tentative.

“Yeah?” Eyes warm and lips curving into a sweet smile.

“I was thinking…” Barely audible.

“Covey?” Patient and gentle.Hand on her cheek.

“Do you want to move in with me?” Clear and resolute, eyes meeting his.

“Yes.” Quick and sure and gruff.He picks her up and kisses her, deep and tender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you wonderful readers! This fic was dreamed up as I was finishing up the revisions for "Say Yes", and as usual, I posted it feeling incredibly doubtful about how it would be received. Given its different structure and time floppiness I knew that it probably wouldn't resonate with a lot of readers. I'm so happy that a group of you seemed to enjoy it, and were so generous with your feedback. Your comments and kudos always keep me inspired and motivated. Thank you for taking the time to read and taking this little adventure with me! I hope you'll let me know what you think and continue to share your amazing ideas and insights. 
> 
> On another note, 2020 has been such a crazy year and I am very very grateful to you all for joining me on these little escapes! I’m hoping that you were able to lose yourself in the sweet angst and humor of these two like I was. Thank you so much!
> 
> HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR! ♥️


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